April 20

Slept slightly better last night. Not early to bed, but early to rise. Annabeth decided she wanted breakfast at 6 am. So she got it. Everyone had breakfast, from pups to cats to me. I had 2 x 100 call granola bars and a mason jar glass of half milk half chocolate milk. 1 c of milk was 100 calories and 1 cup of chocolate milk was 180 calories.  I had about a cup of regular and 3/4 cup chocolate (180/4 = 45 *3 =135) so 235 calories there

So breakfast was roughly 435 calories.

Took pills with it, and need to refill morning containers. Last day of the 20mg of Strattera before advancing again.

Very gassy, but appt with GI is on tuesday, as is dentist.

Going to schedule Chris with Shellie for Sat and find out if she has any upcoming afternoon appts.

Woke up from a dream about swim team and missing it like crazy. Dreamed we were helping prep for all county. I don't think there is a summer swim team around here, which is sad. I almost want to found one. Well, 2. One for Patterson and one for sports com. I may look into it. But I don't know how successful it would be.  I need to think about it more I guess.
I wonder if they even have an aquatics coordinator here. That would be the first step I guess.

For today, I need to start a to do list.  I am leaning towards bathrooms and laundry. If I can get to it, vacuuming floors in bedroom and living room. Tomorrow is my home Depot class, today is my chiro.

I need a gas ex.

I would also like Chris to schedule time to talk with me but that has happened yet. We need to take his uniform to the place to get his patch on it as well. I'll push more on that today so he has time to get it back pre tournament.

If I get these things done I can work on the bulletin boards or raised beds. Yay!

April 19

Sleep and diet and Driven to Distraction

Saw Dr Quinn yesterday,  who commented what a hugs difference she saw since last week weds (started taking medication on thursday).

Bought Lara bars in quantity so I had something to make myself eat pills with.

Chris grilled and I managed a burger plus 2 hot dogs, used a shake later that night to take pills, but was snacky for hours after, making me think that I hadn't eaten enough (now I think that, then I didnt).

Did NOT sleep well last night. Fell asleep like normal, but for only 2 hrs, dog whines woke me up at 1230. Then couldn't go back to sleep till after 5 Am, then slept (again because of animals) till 745, then dogs out, then dozed till 10, then woke sonia, then dozed till 1130. Altogether it makes for almost 8 hrs, but now I'm headachey and disinclined to get up for day, even though I know I need morning pills and it's noon.
I need to check if dose increased today or last night. I think it's today it goes up, so we'll have to see what impact that has.

I identified quite strongly with more of the Driven to Distraction book last night. His ch 3, Kindle says ch 6. The lists and anecdotes were strong enough I made notes with the audiobook. I need to purchase a copy I believe, if one can be found inexpensively. I'll check amazon later.

There was one story that particularly stood out about a college class where a teacher was solving an equation and everyone else was following along but the teller couldn't see where it fit in to the unit or WHY the equation was working much less when to use it or how, and he kept asking, to the point it distracted teacher and classmates and I had flashbacks to physics in hs.
Another where he kept having recurring nightmares that he had somehow not finished high school having flunked out and had to go back and retake classes which he was flunking out of again. It's interesting that those dreams happen to others as well, not just me. In adulthood. Going back as an adult, with multiple degrees and being on the verge of failing out again.
Other parts were equally important,  speaking on diagnostic criterion. I pass/fail/have add using both sets of criteria described  (his version and the Utah school both). It serves merely to confirm diagnosis made last September (whereas typically the tests in Sept would confirm the diagnosis more so than the other way around). I do need to print a copy for Brenna still. I'll try that today.

I want to make note to talk to Dr Quinn about this but I need paper notes. Maybe I can try doing that if I take the car to the Firestone today. It's a good plan.

Either way I need to get up for the day and take med in case stimulant was the sleep problem last night.

April 13

Woke at about 4 because pups wanted out. Tummy was gurgling so mixed another mio to start day (still in 22 oz bottle) and ate a buttermilk spice muffin. Put on white noise sleep music with amazon Chakra music  to go to sleep. Started this journal instead. Now I need to find find a wipe to fix skin on fave and neck where Joker groomed me. It's itchy. And I want to sleep. Her and Annabeth not laying on me might help. But I'll try the wipe and then snuggle under.

Tbc.

April 12

Didn't remember to take AM med till roughly 2, 230  pm.
Singulair, Neurontin, 20 MG Latuda,  and I can't recall if I took the 150mg ranitidine.
I probably did, since I haven't yet thrown up.

I did start with 1.5 bottles (22 oz) of water with mio and my apple cider oat muffin . I don't recall if I ate protein with it, or after it

I know by 430pm I had eaten 4 cheese sticks.

I had also blown up emotionally, over text, face to face, and over the phone. I got caught in an over emotional loop of reaction.

Listening to Driven to Distraction, the term I wanted to use was allegedly "irritability inhibition impulsivity".

God I need to get the AdHd in check. It's not been addressed while we "work on getting bipolar under control" because AdHd is what is setting off what looks like manic, but isnt.
I am at the end of my rope. I'm tired of feeling this way.  I'm frustrated.
I hate "wait and see". It isn't proactive, and I need it to be.

After cheesesticks, tried to work on grad school stuff, and got frustrated. Tried to work on gardening stuff,  got mad and frustrated,  did it anyway, by hand, got slightly sunned (kissed? Burnt? Can't tell yet), the kitten almost caught a bird (high fived it), and went to pick dogs up from daycare . While still listening to the book and searching for the AM station that was supposed to broadcast my cousin's game. And driving. I guess I am lucky I didn't cause an accident.

Picked up Rick's BBQ otw home. Got pork and beef, with their yummy sauce, and baked and green beans. It came with buns for sandwich making. Chips too, but we didn't eat those.

By this point, normalcy was reestablishing itself .

Ate a pork BBQ sandwich with green beans, then a beef BBQ sandwich and green beans. Then 3 reduced fat oreo cookies and another bottle of mio water (22 oz).
Took bedtime Latuda (40mg)  within half an hr of eating dinner (by 730). Still having some III, but not as bad. Spread slightly from mood to action. Still too much AdHding out. Need to talk to brenna.

Drank about 20 oz of chocolate and white milk mixed before bed. Was too sweet as just chocolate milk . Helped with acids too.

Bed by 11. Wished chat would shut up so I could sleep.. fell asleep till 4 AM. But that is a different story.

FDBM.  Sounds like a myers-briggs code or a dsm-v code. In reality, it's not far off; it's just shorthand, or an acronym.
Food.
Drugs or Drinks
Beverages or Behaviors.
Mood.

It should probably clarify which letters stand for which items, but it is rare in life for descriptive catagories to be clean cut. I should know; I used to be a librarian. Show me a title/book and I can give you 3 to 5 ways to classify it before I even open the covers and look at content.

But I haven't been a librarian in over 4 years. I've been out as long as I have been in the field. That is, in part, why I'm starting this journal. I want back on, but in order to do that, I need to get a handle on my life. And right now, that handle is short, weak, and inconsistent.
Not something I can live with. Not functional.  At least not fully functional.  But hey, let's put the fun back in dysfunctional.

The hope is, with a journal, I can identify trends as they occur. It's online so the journal is more difficult to lose,  and more accessible to use.

I guess we will see.
I hate "wait and see".

But that is part of the AdHd. So I need to regain my ability to work around that,  if I want to get out of this awful rut. Spinning wheels are only useful in fairytales, not in journeys. I'm tired of spinning my wheels. I want my journey, my plot line, to start moving again.

Hopefully, this record will help with that.
Something has to help, right?